Blog + Journal = Journal Entry on Fear of Specific Types of Rejection

It's been awhile, Blogger blog!

Damn.

40-some years old and still I quake before the possibility of one specific type of rejection.

It lies at the nexus of the usual suspects of identity and belonging, family and culture; but I'm seeing it now with even more granularity through the lens of Attachment Theory and Love Languages as repackaged by *brace yourself* Tony Robbins.  As cliché or questionable he has at times been portrayed, he really does have some truly effective approaches to creating meaningful change and achieving goals.

I've recently listened to several good podcast episodes of pre-recorded live coachings of individuals in his seminars.  

I. finally got to the heart of why, despite my social confidence in making acquaintances and dating, my Self (Ego) still shudders and freezes when confronted with income and career-adjacent situations -- both real and possible rejection.  Mr. Robbins reminded me how legit, how common it is to build one's  Identity (Self/ Ego) on the need for SIGNIFICANCE.  To be even more specific, my need to feel useful, helpful, and of service.

*See also Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  

*See also Tony's coaching formula relies on starting with the ability to identify one's top Needs and how they play a role in our personal identity formation.  Identity formation which affects our flavor of life (=experience, attitude, and Weltanschauung) and our choices.

With that powerful reminder, I took a quick jaunt down memory lane while asking myself if and how my NEED TO FEEL SIGNIFICANT, ie OF VALUE TO OTHERS has impacted what I love and what I've avoided.  

We know that the need to feel valued by others drives our behavior toward things, and on the other side of the same coin, the FEAR OF NOT BEING VALUED drives us away from things.  And when you crave the love of peopleif my identity is so firmly rooted in fear of not BEING OF VALUE...

.... that helps me understand with sharp insight why I have delayed my career advancement, why I've been so often cautious, and why I have allowed myself to become mildly depressed, sometimes for years.

Tony also often coaches that "the behavior of the person whose love we craved most as a child" most powerfully influenced our Identity.  And of course, how we interpreted it is variable.

Since my mother and 2 younger sisters were the hardest to win affection from, my child (to present) self preoccupied itself with how to gain that love.

Those three persons typically rewarded me with affection when I was OBEDIENT, HARD WORKING, METICULOUSLY ORDERLY and PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE PRESENTATION OF BODY AND SPACE, and CHECKED OFF ALL THE THINGS ON THE TO DO LIST.

As a result I decided that   1.  I was NOT Obedient; my identity became quiet REBEL.  Frequently figuring out better ways to do things, short cuts, and learning what RULES can and should change. 

2.  I became irrationally obsessed with order; often sacrificing time, energy, opportunities, fun, health, affection from others in anticipation of these ABSTRACT & REAL BEINGS WHO WILL JUDGE MY PRESENTATION AND DISPENSE AFFECTION ACCORDINGLY.  Even when dating or friends with people who don't care about my presentation that much, my identity commands I MUST in order to FEEL GOOD AND WORTHY, SIGNIFICANT.

3.  Rest and health, fun, physical self care has become an UNBALANCED SEE SAW PATTERN of EITHER SELF / MENTAL HEALTH CARE VS.  "WORTHWHILE" WORK.  And worthwhile work has been defined by what my 3 hardest- to -please elders value.      When they don't or might not approve of an endeavor, I feel destroyed and motivation shrivels.  Then I start to feel like Sisyphus; trying to push my now heavy passion or goal up the hill.  I often stop so long that I miss deadlines and opportunities because the emotional weight while I fill out the applications , and ask for references becomes SO HEAVY.  

*See my Green Bean Picking Story and Act / Identity of I CAN'T.

LIVE A NEW IDENTITY.  DRAG MY DREAM.  FATHER - COACH.

My Change Engine:

 I have some big strengths to get me to living my new identity. I've taken on seemingly unattainable identities before.  I'm relatively neotenous compared to my age cohort, I've overcome mental health challenges, achieved some difficult to attain goals and honors.  I'm an adaptable and deep learner.  I'm voraciously curious.  I want to be of service!  And the old version of FEELING WORTHY by SUFFERING and BLIND OBEDIENCE, ONLY DO IT THE APPROVED WAY LIMITS MY ABILITY TO MEET MY NEED FOR SIGNIFICANCE and BELONGING.

New Self Way Markers:

I am Family:  I Always provide the space for and opportunities to create and heal (Found) family; love, trust, reconciliation, belonging, interdependence , UBUNTU, IN LAK ECH. E  Pluribus UNUM.

I am Teacher: I always provide a space for  Empowerment and Enlightenment: especially lifelong learning, curiosity,  insight, freedom, growth, happiness, fun.

I belong to Europe, Germany, the World:           I felt the most belonging in Germany and among international, lower income family-centric communities.

WHAT ARE THE DAILY ROUTINES OF A DAD / COACH?:

well, this explains my 20s and 30s prioritizing creating a family over career.

A.  Focus on others and being good to self = Going to bed at a reasonable hour.  

B. Not bingeing chats and shows into the night which are addictions 

C. And Addictions are SUBSTITUTES FOR LOVE AND BELONGING

D.  A Coach / DAD handles rejection by :

E. I take care of my body daily

F. I Volunteer to help others

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The 5th Karmic Law is Not Universal; The Law of Mirrors is Just a Mindful Place to Start

  

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At first glance, I loved the simple wisdom of this existential or spiritual principle and knew it applied to many experiences, but upon further reflection, I knew The Law of Mirrors missed something huge, and almost instantly obvious to me.

But first, here’s a simple explanation of what it is, and how it is interpreted in these modern times:  Writer Doe Zantamata says “The Fifth Law of Karma is the Law of Mirrors. It has two distinct parts. Overall, it’s the Law of Personal Responsibility. 

The first part of this Law is that:
If we can label a quality in another person, then it means that quality is also within us.  This can be good or bad news! 

Think of the people you know, and think of or make a list of the qualities you would say they have. Be honest. This is just an exercise for you. 

Some people, you may describe as kind, generous, thoughtful, or others you may say are arrogant, self-centered, or inconsiderate. All of the qualities on your list are also in you. This is at first difficult to believe, as when we’re calling someone arrogant, we certainly don’t think we are, too. 

Whatever you believe about someone, they probably also believe about you.
    
Have you ever been told you were so thoughtful by someone who you believe is very thoughtful? Have you ever been called controlling by someone who you believe is controlling? Or insecure by someone you think is insecure?

In all of those cases, you’re both right.”   [The Hiyl.com *  Full link below]

 

    Of course there is a nugget of wisdom in this “law.” But you don’t have to be a sociopath to identify sociopathic behavior. You don’t have to have dyslexia or be a gifted athlete or artist to recognize or name it in another.  

So what sayeth thou to this HUGE elephant in the room, that the Karmic Law of Mirrors fails to mention? Or is there yet another unwritten interpretation of this law?

I think it is a brilliant mindfulness practice which guides us to empathy, compassion, and perspective taking BEFORE WE CRITICIZE or COMPLAIN. 
HOWEVER, even if you consider DoeZ’s interpretation, ie, adding the concept of Reflected INTENTION, and not just action, it still has a big ole blindspot.  

The elephant in the room that seems immediately obvious is that The Karmic Law of Mirrors wouldn't apply to the Master, the Expert, the Wise, or the Intuitive Genius, esp. of human behavior, spirituality, or psychology.  I concede that at times a Wise Master can have a weak moment and judge from their shadow side, misinterpreting the intention or hidden circumstances behind another’s behavior. 
But to be at that Expert level, by definition they should be able to reliably and correctly identify symptoms, patterns, and often discern hidden intentions which are common to all humans. Humans have a limited number of basic wants and needs, and we have a limited range of coping strategies when we struggle to fulfill those needs. An empathic/ emotionally intelligent person can observe behavior patterns and at least narrow cause and effect down to a shortlist, again, without currently struggling with the issue they have identified in another.  

If this Karmic Law included a clause that stated "we must first *truly understand* or *once have experienced* a quality before we can *truly identify* it in another," then this law could approach universality.

*https://www.thehiyl.com/2012/03/karma-law-5-law-of-mirrors.html?showComment=1611473366946#c6687832902164010284

Every Paradise is Spoiled. Utopia, Imperfection, and the Human Condition

Thoughts after watching the German Netflix series DARK:  

Jedes Paradies ist verdorben. Jede Utopie ist verkommen, denn das Größte der menschliche Schöpfung u. Kreativität erfordert Imperfektion, Fehler, u. Zufall.

Das was uns meist verbindet ist dieses Nexus von Kreativität und Imperfektion.

Humans cannot exist in an ideal state such as utopia, paradise, or nation of complete peace, beauty, or freedom from injustice or affliction.  Just like a vacuum, perfection is not afforded by the nature of living things, our biology or our thoughts. 

 It’s best that we love and embrace the creative friction of our reality, rather than resisting and shaming our flawed nature.  

We can only truly gain any control over our flaws when we stop loathing them, and when we are informed by them.

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Gratitude Challenge Day 3: Favorite Sounds

5 min gratitude journaling challenge, day 3/30. Today’s prompt is Favorite Sound: 

Most of the sounds that came to mind today are calming and soothing.  Other days they are pulsing and exciting.  At certain times I need to hear and feel certain things.          

I notice that for some reason I feel very grounded by sounds that remind me of my place in the universe: 

My small, fleeting existence seems paradoxically significant because how rare and special it is to observe, comprehend, feel and reflect on the infinite.  These moments feel electric and tingling, ominous, and calming all at once.  The mix of emotion echoes the juxtapositions of vastness and smallness, infinite and finite. The universe and me.

Today I thought of the sound of waves against my canoe or boat hull.  The voice of my first love.  The beating whoosh of large wings both felt and heard - an eagle, a goose, an owl, a vulture.  The echo of a loon and the call of a mourning dove, spring peeper frogs, katydids, gentle rain on my tent or window, wind quaking the leaves, thunder, the crash of waves and the howling wind at night.  The hush after a deep snow.

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Toward Resilience, Self Esteem, and Emotional Education in America

Some parents, caregivers, and teachers enable a child’s ego to develop in a mostly stable way, which bolsters their emotional resilience in the face of failure, situational stress, and contradiction.  They “fill the child’s bucket,” to cite an SEL-based children’s book by Carol McCloud [Have You Filled a Bucket Today?]   Yet other caregivers don’t even realize that they’re teaching children to doubt themselves, to have limited self esteem, to feel that something is wrong with them, and so shame grows.  In so doing they teach a child to value the input of others over their own self-evaluation, including the inability to forgive oneself.  There has been some improvement in the overall emotional resilience in American youth, with the increasing popularity of social emotional education in public school curricula.  But we are behind many other countries and cultures which have had decades of humanistic education and anti-shame parenting [citation needed]. 

Self perception, mindset, and attitude are greater determinants of whether an individual sees themself as having failed or succeeded at something, or identifying as a success or failure in life.  The capacity to remain emotionally secure and stable regardless of success, failure, or social feedback is known in the field of education as resilience.  In psychological terms, the locus of [self] control is external versus internal [Rotter, Judge, Locke, Durham].

    “Locus of control is one of the four dimensions of core self-evaluations – one's fundamental appraisal of oneself – along with neuroticism, self-efficacy, and self-esteem.[3] The concept of core self-evaluations was first examined by Judge, Locke, and Durham (1997), and since has proven to have the ability to predict several work outcomes, specifically, job satisfaction and job performance.[4] In a follow-up study, Judge et al. (2002) argued that locus of control, neuroticism, self-efficacy and self-esteem factors may have a common core.[5]”. [wikipedia]

For the sake of brevity, I’ll call this the “self nexus.”  In the vernacular, we talk about this core or nexus with terms like ego, self-love, confidence, and self-trust, acceptance, resilience; and conversely, insecurity, weakness, anxiety, and shame.  

  I think it’s unfortunate that for years self-help gurus, career trainers and managers, motivational speakers, teachers, and even therapists have often neglected to teach self-love and (self-)forgiveness.

We’re taught that to reach goals and dreams we have to use positive self talk, visualization, we have to put the past in the past, plan and communicate effectively.  Some of these lessons and practices approximate the nexus of Self-Love, Trust, and Esteem.  But unless you already have a healthy ego / positive self nexus, most of this self-development education will be unsustainable.  

Many trainers and authors provide the by-now-cliche examples of Churchill, Edison, Gandhi, among many others, of how it’s possible and powerful to be persistent and resilient in the face of failure.  But essentially they’re really providing parables about the importance of self esteem.  For it’s almost impossible to continue in the face of repeated failure without a positive self nexus.

And while resilience comes easily for us in some challenges, it can be altogether lacking in others.  We may use our strengths and our positive nexus in one area to compensate, hide, or ignore our shame and fear of other competencies we’ve never developed.  Since the presence of self esteem is only occasionally completely pervasive across an individual’s competencies, most of us make it through life without ever having to address or mention our pockets of incompetence or self loathing.  

Regardless of an individual’s measured and ranked abilities, it’s their self perception of their ability which most determines performance and perceived feelings of well-being and satisfaction over time.  In relationships, emotional, physical, and intellectual competencies, our acceptance and even appreciation of our limitations and mistakes brings the maturity and confidence that only results from this positive self awareness.  

That is why wise people have urged self-knowledge for millennia; but not merely to be able to avoid our shortcomings, but to embrace them.  When we can embrace shortcomings, so are we better equipped to lead, work well with and appreciate the contributions of others.  

Take some time to observe yourself and others:  you will start to notice that those who seem most ungrateful or resistent to contribution, or conversely, too dependent upon it,  are those who fear most their own limitations.

These among many others are reasons why we need more and better opportunities for esteem-based learning for people regardless of age.  There will almost always be areas in which one may desire to increase one’s capacity, comfort, and confidence.

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Emotional and Intellectual Slavery is Unconsciously Pervasive in Liberal, Democrat, and Libertarian Behavior & Communication, not Just in Conservative Ideology: How Our Authoritarian American Culture perpetuates political, economic, physical, and mental feudalism.

-by Tim Freeman - Sirtosky

[Reader's note: the CAPS are for readability and highlighting for special attention for people with ADHD, Dyscalculia, and Dyslexia]


  I was raised like thousands or millions of children (culturally Euro-centric (Catholic)) by parents who view/ed themselves as upwardly mobile, educated, and morally virtuous.  We were raised to aspire to  saint-like behavior;  humility, self-sacrifice, and deference to authority.  But this was essentially a LIE because this culture of acceptable personal shame leads to vice, not virtue.  Mild guilt may encourage the development of pro-social morals like cooperation, but shame has been proven to teach silence, non transparency, and secret self-loathing, which are “values” that always undermine the principles of democracy.  And in the United States, and the United Nations at least, our governing documents say that we are dedicated to a starkly DIFFERENT SET OF PRINCIPLES (values).  While much of Americans' most important childhood social learning is grounded in the acceptance of self loathing and authoritarianism, our nation asks us to aspire to self-determination, self-esteem, scientific transparency, critical thinking, AND EVEN THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS! [Insert here dozens of supporting quotes and scientific studies from antiquity to the present*]

How can children who deeply internalize shame, and readily submit to and accept those who shame mature into adults who act democratically?  They can’t and they don’t.  Not unless they arduously re-educate and heal the emotional trauma and generational abuse they were taught.  The founders of our nation, as well as other people who apply basic logic and observation, have written and spoken continuously that having a secretly self-loathing and easily-guilted flock of mental child-slaves* is antithetical to freedom, justice, equality, democracy, and a relatively stable society (*Socrates, Plato being among the first). 
In fact, I believe much of the modern western ideology behind democracy can be summed up by the Socratically-influenced motto of St. John’s College in Annapolis + Santa Fe: “Facio liberos ex liberis libris libraque.” Or “I make free adults from children [or slaves] by means of books and a balance.” Education and good judgment (aka critical and scientific thought) sets us free, makes us mature citizens, and responsible patriots.

But even though Catholic kids are usually taught to be always thoughtfully conscientious to others, this pro-social idea is poisoned by IGNORING, DISTRUSTING, and LOATHING our INNER VOICE, HAPPINESS, and POSITIVE SELF-SOURCE.  So that the source of our feeling of worth, acceptance, and validation could only come from those who our families, churches, and communities deemed as the elders / gate-keepers / judges… 
So the young people are trained to perpetuate the cycle of generational abuse by enabling culturally-approved authority figures, no matter how abusive, sociopathic, narcissistic, mentally disordered, or socio-emotionally crippled and irresponsible they are.  TEACHING CHILDREN TO BE SILENT + SELF LOATHING IS HOW ATROCITIES ARE COMMITTED, no publicity or declaration of war is necessary.  When we teach kids shame we help commit a silent genocide of love and value of the self, and the semi-suicide/deicide of the goodness and God-spark we are all born with.

The most perfect metaphor in recent lore of this now self-evident and scientifically-provable phenomenon is in JK Rowling’s Fantastic Beasts:  The Obscurus is the warped, broken, and self-hating demon that results from suppressing our inner light and imperfect specialness.  In this case, magical ability.  We become numb to the path that leads us to confidence and complete Self Actualization and satisfaction in life.  When our locus of control is external and not internal we will never find lasting true love and peace, because that can only comes from within.

 How many humans still ignore (even Catholic) writers and scholars have to tell us that no matter what you call God or Goodness -the Universal-Goodness-Value-Love (no matter the religion or belief system) can only be realized when the source is within?  True “Charisma” (alignment with God), that tongue-of-fire, that inspiration (life breathed into) is only a co-creation with the Universal / Infinite Source.  If the ideas, love, values, trust, and judgment only come from outside yourself, then you’re still an unenlightened mental subordinate.  God and nature speak not just to us but through us.  To fail to cultivate that inner voice and trust is a refusal to grow and build a complete relationship with God and nature.

 It’s this EXACT CONCEPT of INNER WISDOM, TRUST, and VALIDATION that Billy Atwell and all emotionally mature / wise people know and try to teach.  From Jesus and the other non-power-hungry sages of the Bible (like Ecclesiastes and Thomas) to Buddha, to the Secret, to Taoist Lao Tzu, to a handful of modern Christian preachers, to the Quakers, and dozens of self-help writers and gurus of all nationalities and faiths- they are trying to empower the DEMOCRATIC self-organizing principles of the ENLIGHTENMENT: SELF-EVIDENT and UNIVERSAL TRUTHS that ALL HUMANS ARE CREATED EQUAL and HAVE UNALIENABLE RIGHTS of LIFE, FREEDOM, and THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.  These concepts are and will always contradict those who perpetuate their authority through blind acceptance - those who govern through paternalistic command.

Most managers, teachers, leaders, and parents who even consider themselves moderate, liberal, Libertarian, or Democrat are typically unaware that their leadership style comes from a master/slave mindset the pre-dates Enlightenment or ancient democratic ideals.  It is a MODERN ironic tragedy that most adults cannot distinguish, much less change, their own medieval leadership and communication style, if they can even recognize and correctly name it in others.

It is this vast ignorance and lack of vernacular (popular vocabulary) on the part of liberals, moderates, and conservatives alike that is cherished and encouraged by most of the economic elite.  It's a great tool for creating social division, apathy, and helplessness among those that could change and completely democratize the United States.  Sadly even well-intentioned liberals often rely on the cooperation of those lower in the hierarchy to accept their authoritarian egotism: lack of transparency, being closed to feedback, assumed intellectual and moral superiority.  In an age of an authoritarian American presidency unchecked by the Senate, in addition to decades of social dominance by the economic 1%, it cannot be repeated enough: that this is NOT AN ISSUE of GOOD vs EVIL, good vs evil is only relative to your political and religious ideology), but IT IS A UNIVERSAL ISSUE OF SLAVE SOCIETY vs DEMOCRACY.

If our institutions, especially education, primarily relied on emotionally and intellectually democratic ideals, I believe most inequalities would cease to exist within a generation or two.  Our systemic racism, xenophobia, able-ism, chauvinism, gender/hetero/sexism, religious fundamentalism, ageism, and classism would start withering at a pace heretofore unseen in this country. 

While I have grasped the cultural AND psychological dynamics of shame intellectually, I, like many others who seek to heal, love, and value themselves have been missing the crucial/ essential key (sonic screwdriver?) to break out of this mental slavery.  I finally got it during my hour-long conversation with Billy Atwell, who encouraged me to realize that I just need to make a daily practice of RELEASING my feelings of resistance, control, regret, tension, and free-floating anxiety while learning and practicing SELF LOVE + ACCEPTANCE (also known as TRUSTING YOURSELF and YOUR INTUITION).  Since that moment of realization, I have been falling in love with myself because I gave myself permission to stop second guessing my judgments, my imperfections and mistakes.  I see that there are still a few places in my life where I actively distrust myself and so I tend to hold back and remain passive instead of communicating and going for what makes my heart sing.  Whether it is being forthcoming about my skills, abilities, or lack thereof, supervisors, interviewers, and lawgivers are fundamentally just as flawed and are just as “right” as me.  And just because there are few others like me doing what I do, especially in my current environment, it does not mean that I need to feel that something is wrong about where I am, what judgments I’ve made, and what direction I’m going.  As long as I’m growing and intending to do and be GOOD in such a way that does not harm others (and most likely benefits everyone in the long run) [* see Kantian ethics/ Categorical Imperative, the Golden Rule, and Mutualism]

How did I not see that the point of all this healing, therapy, self-work, prayer, and meditation is to love and trust myself!?  I think that’s the power of how our culture conditions authoritarianism within me and you.  I consider myself well above average in emotional intelligence and sensitivity, and yet it took me till age 40 to get to this exciting and wonderful relationship with myself!  So I know this can’t be an easy truth to realize, even for the brightest and best of us.  This is why wise teachers and leaders must be bold and outspoken if we are to destroy emotional, intellectual, political, and economic slavery.






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Ode to My Sisters

Ode to my sisters

I’m so sorry for any words that may have hurt you unnecessarily or unfairly. But this is not just an apology.
This letter is a reckoning.  This is not a letter of blame. Blame does nothing but foster resentment and allow wounds to fester forever.

I think a complete reckoning includes thorough discussion of circumstances, apologies, gratitudes, and intentions and commitments for the future.

Given that there are decades of Past and contentions over what is acceptable words & behavior, I want to speak my gratitude and acknowledge my responsibility first.

I own my imperfections of memory, lack of timeliness, at times being sanctimonious about my intelligence, politics. I acknowledge that I broke with tradition by resisting and often challenging Mom’s authority while expecting her financial support.  Although I’ve received much less financial support than many others in our extended family, some of whom you befriend and value.
I acknowledge that instead of just working my ass off and suppressing or transferring the shame that I was taught, I chose to wrestle myself away from patterns of abuse toward acceptance and healthiness, even if it meant living inside my resentment for too long, hesitating at job and academic opportunities, and working on healing myself and my confidence instead of just powering through life by sheer force of will and emotional denial.

I also own that until 20019 I held out hope that I could play and win at the game of being a successful and valued child and sibling.  I didn’t think I was still playing that game, but it’s so firmly programmed and lurks in undiscovered corners of our minds.  If I had realized years ago that I still held a secret hope of our family being supportive and loving in a healthy way, and that this was a remnant of my learned codependence, I would not be in my current state of wavering dependent self esteem.  It’s crazy to me that I’m just now getting the opportunity to learn that a healthy person knows and feels that they are the source of their own goodness.

sidenote on healing from shame:  [I see Coaching as social re-learning, receiving the permission to locate my value solely within myself instead of giving that power to others.  As well as reinforcing daily practice of healthy and nurturing habits.

You guys had to go through so much crap and struggle that I did not.  from all the stories from everyone it sounds like there was a lot of survival/existential struggle, & emotionally abusive fighting.
I admire your career tenacity, and determination and even being excellent mothers.
For all that I admire about you, is one issue I wonder if you've ever considered, because I don't recall you ever saying or behaving in a way that would suggest you get it. Despite all the disadvantages, (body) shaming, shit you had to endure, you had one huge developmental &; emotional windfall that outranks any material advantage I may have had: YOU HAD EACH OTHER .  Do you know if there are studies that confirm how emotionally beneficial having siblings you're close to , even if you don't always get along?

It would make a difference if I could hear you acknowledge your blessing, & you're still close to this day. Who do I have?  Did I ever have anyone to assuage my loneliness or feeling that I had no one on my side? That no one understood me, to at least verbally talk through the abuse I went through or the constant bullying I received at school?

For a brief moments Mom was on my side, Mar was often emotionally supportive, Dad was always supportive.  But the relationship of having someone in your peer/age group involves a level of understanding that you can't get anywhere else in the world, except maybe in a rare friendship.    I hope you're grateful for that exceptional advantage you had. Gratitude is paramount in healing and happiness.  

I AM GRATEFUL that I was spared all those emotionally abusive parental arguments and the torturous divorce that our parents went through.  Although mom and dad liked to retell some of those stories, and the highlights are still seared in my memory.

And while it would be nice for you to speak for yourselves on this matter, you usually don't. You usually speak the automatic knee-jerk Pain Body talk that comes from the seat of fight-flight-freeze response (known as the cerebellum & brainstem).
Everyone in our family has been hearing that repetitious song for decades [generations] especially on the Fulnecky side of the family.

A reckoning should mention these circumstantial evidences, but not give them the same spotlight as we should/would give a unique or fully empowered or fully self expressed free-willed testimony.  Because those are complaints and ideas that belong to most if not all humans.  Those are verbalized expressions of the older, instinctual parts of our brain: the parts that we share with lobsters (Dominance and hierarchy).

The thing that I think impedes us most from being a healthy family (that shares joy & support vs attacks) is how we talk to each other.

All five of us still attack ourselves as well as each other. Brain scientists, developmental & therapeutic psychologists, coaches, science-based teachers, Journalists, lawyers, politicians base their careers on the FORMATIVE POWER OF WORDS. And they have demonstrated in study after study  that WORDS MATTER.

Words are critical to relationships, to the formation of healthy brains, self esteem, and frankly it's embarrassing how much we use words to harm in our family.

And there appears to be a randomly enforced prohibition on using positive encouraging words, which is scientifically and psychologically reprehensible.

If I could help free you from the self hate that you were taught, if I could encourage or teach you to silence your voices of criticism, and to love your body, I would.
Hell, I'm still on the journey, like you.
It would just be nice if we could support each other on that path.

But I've had to release the notion that one day you might come to embrace me as a full member of this family. 

Michelle and Jennifer have told me in so many ways that they don't feel so much like I'm their brother but more like a distant cousin, because I was born under different circumstances, I didn't see or experience the same exact trauma; although I experienced plenty of it In different ways. Have you ever tried do you understand that you don't have the unique privilege of being the eternal winners of victimhood or that you live your life better than I live mine?

I'm guessing you think I had it much easier, but if your powers of compassionate sight were clear you could see how probably I was not made to suffer much less than you if any less, my sufferings were just different. 
I belong to a different generation, a different mindset, my brain as a man is also biochemically different than yours.

But it seems that we sibs keep returning, some of us more than others, to a world of comparison, another feature of a destructive way of being. 

I'm ready to put that behind me and so I have to communicate this regardless of whether you agree with it, regardless whether you even read it.

It's the stuff I'm past ready to confront, forgive, heal, & And reclaim the energy that has been wrapped up in pain & blame.



Blackbird singing in the dead of night just take these sunken eyes and learn to see/All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free
blackbird singing in the dead of night take these broken wings and learn to fly/all your life you were only waiting for this moment to arrive

I also apologize for sounding sanctimonious. Sometimes heartfelt sincerity comes off that way especially when you want things to be better.


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