It's been awhile, Blogger blog!
Damn.
40-some years old and still I quake before the possibility of one specific type of rejection.
It lies at the nexus of the usual suspects of identity and belonging, family and culture; but I'm seeing it now with even more granularity through the lens of Attachment Theory and Love Languages as repackaged by *brace yourself* Tony Robbins. As cliché or questionable he has at times been portrayed, he really does have some truly effective approaches to creating meaningful change and achieving goals.
I've recently listened to several good podcast episodes of pre-recorded live coachings of individuals in his seminars.
I. finally got to the heart of why, despite my social confidence in making acquaintances and dating, my Self (Ego) still shudders and freezes when confronted with income and career-adjacent situations -- both real and possible rejection. Mr. Robbins reminded me how legit, how common it is to build one's Identity (Self/ Ego) on the need for SIGNIFICANCE. To be even more specific, my need to feel useful, helpful, and of service.
*See also Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
*See also Tony's coaching formula relies on starting with the ability to identify one's top Needs and how they play a role in our personal identity formation. Identity formation which affects our flavor of life (=experience, attitude, and Weltanschauung) and our choices.
With that powerful reminder, I took a quick jaunt down memory lane while asking myself if and how my NEED TO FEEL SIGNIFICANT, ie OF VALUE TO OTHERS has impacted what I love and what I've avoided.
We know that the need to feel valued by others drives our behavior toward things, and on the other side of the same coin, the FEAR OF NOT BEING VALUED drives us away from things. And when you crave the love of peopleif my identity is so firmly rooted in fear of not BEING OF VALUE...
.... that helps me understand with sharp insight why I have delayed my career advancement, why I've been so often cautious, and why I have allowed myself to become mildly depressed, sometimes for years.
Tony also often coaches that "the behavior of the person whose love we craved most as a child" most powerfully influenced our Identity. And of course, how we interpreted it is variable.
Since my mother and 2 younger sisters were the hardest to win affection from, my child (to present) self preoccupied itself with how to gain that love.
Those three persons typically rewarded me with affection when I was OBEDIENT, HARD WORKING, METICULOUSLY ORDERLY and PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE PRESENTATION OF BODY AND SPACE, and CHECKED OFF ALL THE THINGS ON THE TO DO LIST.
As a result I decided that 1. I was NOT Obedient; my identity became quiet REBEL. Frequently figuring out better ways to do things, short cuts, and learning what RULES can and should change.
2. I became irrationally obsessed with order; often sacrificing time, energy, opportunities, fun, health, affection from others in anticipation of these ABSTRACT & REAL BEINGS WHO WILL JUDGE MY PRESENTATION AND DISPENSE AFFECTION ACCORDINGLY. Even when dating or friends with people who don't care about my presentation that much, my identity commands I MUST in order to FEEL GOOD AND WORTHY, SIGNIFICANT.
3. Rest and health, fun, physical self care has become an UNBALANCED SEE SAW PATTERN of EITHER SELF / MENTAL HEALTH CARE VS. "WORTHWHILE" WORK. And worthwhile work has been defined by what my 3 hardest- to -please elders value. When they don't or might not approve of an endeavor, I feel destroyed and motivation shrivels. Then I start to feel like Sisyphus; trying to push my now heavy passion or goal up the hill. I often stop so long that I miss deadlines and opportunities because the emotional weight while I fill out the applications , and ask for references becomes SO HEAVY.
*See my Green Bean Picking Story and Act / Identity of I CAN'T.
LIVE A NEW IDENTITY. DRAG MY DREAM. FATHER - COACH.
My Change Engine:
I have some big strengths to get me to living my new identity. I've taken on seemingly unattainable identities before. I'm relatively neotenous compared to my age cohort, I've overcome mental health challenges, achieved some difficult to attain goals and honors. I'm an adaptable and deep learner. I'm voraciously curious. I want to be of service! And the old version of FEELING WORTHY by SUFFERING and BLIND OBEDIENCE, ONLY DO IT THE APPROVED WAY LIMITS MY ABILITY TO MEET MY NEED FOR SIGNIFICANCE and BELONGING.
New Self Way Markers:
I am Family: I Always provide the space for and opportunities to create and heal (Found) family; love, trust, reconciliation, belonging, interdependence , UBUNTU, IN LAK ECH. E Pluribus UNUM.
I am Teacher: I always provide a space for Empowerment and Enlightenment: especially lifelong learning, curiosity, insight, freedom, growth, happiness, fun.
I belong to Europe, Germany, the World: I felt the most belonging in Germany and among international, lower income family-centric communities.
WHAT ARE THE DAILY ROUTINES OF A DAD / COACH?:
well, this explains my 20s and 30s prioritizing creating a family over career.
A. Focus on others and being good to self = Going to bed at a reasonable hour.
B. Not bingeing chats and shows into the night which are addictions
C. And Addictions are SUBSTITUTES FOR LOVE AND BELONGING
D. A Coach / DAD handles rejection by :
E. I take care of my body daily
F. I Volunteer to help others
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