Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Trying On Greatness

Marianne Williamson is the author of A Return to Love. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles",

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Strong Poetry: A Life of Love, Dreams, and Integrity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9ya9BXClRw Your dreams will come to you if you live with integrity. "It's very important to know that if you don't achieve your dreams, you can still get a lot by trying for them." "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." "Brick walls that are in our way are there for a reason: They let us prove how badly we want things." Other notes: ~Don't just complain, just work harder. ~You can choose to have fun and draw out the positive ~Have good parents (or see the best in them) ~Parents let kids express their creativity ~When you screw up apologize. A good apology: 1. I'm sorry, 2. It was my fault 3. How do I make it right?

Astrological Coincidence Is A-Musing

Capricorn/Aquarius January 19 to January 23 "Capricorn is the tenth sign of the Zodiac; Aquarius is the 11th sign. Those born on the Capricorn/Aquarius cusp are involved with and interested in social institutions. They want to make them work as they were meant to work. They are humanitarians and philanthropists, the visionaries of the Zodiac. Friendship is important to them, and they have many acquaintances, in addition to their close friends. These people are also ambitious and disciplined, determined and dedicated to achieving their goals. They are practical, realistic and cautious not to get in over their heads." We were on a roll up until that last sentence. http://www.astrology.com/allaboutyou/cusps/capricornaquarius.html

Untreated: Attention Dubious / Disastrous

This is only marginally poetic, even if only in the suffering. (Suffering is allegedly poetic) I started taking medication (Concerta) in the spring of 2008. I took it for two months before there was trouble between my employer's health insurance spending account and Kaiser, my insurance provider. And while that was sorting itself out, I neglected to schedule another appointment to get a checkup/refill. Afterall, Methylphenidate is a controlled substance, so I can't just "call it in." Out-of-pocket cost = $200 - $350 for a month's worth. Why did it take me so long before I considered going on meds? Parental Part: My mom thought that I was just "bad" and/or "lazy." So her natural idea was to punish me out of my fuzzy, forgetful world. Any wonder why I worked myself into a guilt-ridden people pleaser? An expected outcome, really. Perhaps I could have rebelled, and maybe I did by turning myself gay. *wink* And since I was diagnosed during my sophomore year in college, why no medication taking?: First, my principles: I'm all for challenging myself and developing my character to change my behavior and not big on popping pills. Second: I had accommodations within the controlled environment of my college: a seperate, quiet room for testing with additional time, and a special computer program that spoke the scanned text to me. And the most recent reason for finally breaking down and trying meds as a "last resort:" I stretched myself far beyond the borders of my ability- taking on so many (often intense) opportunities including coaching four people in the Introduction Leaders Program - and it didn't work. I was suspended / fired from a job for something totally silly that had nothing to do with my performance, but was a result of trying to juggle too much and being careless. When your workplace doesn't make accommodations for ADD, or you're too chicken to ask or talk about it, then you're faced with a daily struggle upon which your bills, health insurance, and credibility depends. Failure not only seems inevitable, it is inevitable. You know it will come sooner than later. This is such a boon for one's self esteem - as you can imagine! And ADD is not an acceptable excuse, because if you have ADD then that feeds the pile of reasons why you're on the shit list or the way out the door. Meanwhile, at home I lost both sets of car keys, missed the date to apply for benefits, spaced out on my friend's birthday, didn't realize the check hadn't cleared before paying another bill... I expect these blunders to happen on a weekly basis. Oh, and it also causes friends and family to give up relying on you for things that require a deadline or financial planning. At least now I'm better now at saying no to things I know understand I won't be able to do, even though people keep telling me to try. I am happy when I can go for several days without a serious snafu. People give advice, oh, boy do I have great advice in my life! I should open up a library. Hell, that's probably one of the reasons I like to do phone counseling so much. I know the right answer. I have articles galore about Latte Factors and how to best prioritize. I know that emotions come and go, to take cleansing breaths, get exercise, have friends and hobbies, practice awareness... Intellectually it's all here in my head and learned. It's putting it into practice. It's having the discipline -- as I hear my mother's voice (and countless others') ringing in my head. So here I sit in a self-fulfilling cycle of underemployment, little income, no health insurance, no medication, constant fuzziness in decision making and task accomplishing - resulting in a retarded process of applying and finding suitable jobs. I look at craigslist and think to myself "Wow! Look at all those jobs with great nonprofits that have benefits and salary and require 'the ability to multi-task'." I would love to be a secretary, but I would hate to fuck over the execs and their schedules. I might be able to wing it and do very well with the skills I have, but it only takes one small oversight to create a big embarassment. "Your conference was in Poughkeepsie and not Pawtucket?" So, I'm researching. I've had several good referrals for inexpensive medication resources... none of them so far seem to include Strattera or the Methyl-family of drugs. I take that back - I located a 25-40% discount for Dexedrine (old school meth drug). Thanks Pfizer! Insurance at my part-time job may not be financially feasible. I hear it's $90 every 2 weeks. I hear Maryland's state health insurance program may be about $200/month. Who knows if it would even cover ADD meds. But I forge ahead.

What is it like being an adult with ADHD? The positive

Excerpted from an article by Edward Hallowell, MD (who has an ADD diagnosis) "Usually the positive doesn't get mentioned when people speak about ADD because there is a natural tendency to focus on what goes wrong, or at least on what has to be somehow controlled. But often once the ADD has been diagnosed, and the child or the adult, with the help of teachers and parents or spouses, friends, and colleagues, has learned how to cope with it, an untapped realm of the brain swims into view. Suddenly the radio station is tuned in, the windshield is clear, the sand storm has died down. And the child or adult, who had been such a problem, such a nudge, such a general pain in the neck to himself and everybody else, that person starts doing things he'd never been able to do before. He surprises everyone around him, and he surprises himself. I use the male pronoun, but it could just as easily be she, as we are seeing more and more ADD among females as we are looking for it. Often these people are highly imaginative and intuitive. They have a "feel" for things, a way of seeing right into the heart of matters while others have to reason their way along methodically. This is the person who can't explain how he thought of the solution, or where the idea for the story came from, or why suddenly he produced such a painting, or how he knew the shortcut to the answer, but all he can say is he just knew it, he could feel it. This is the man or woman who makes million-dollar deals in a catnap and pulls them off the next day. This is the child who, having been reprimanded for blurting something out, is then praised for having blurted out something brilliant. These are the people who learn and know and do and go by touch and feel. These people can feel a lot. In places where most of us are blind, they can, if not see the light, at least feel the light, and they can produce answers apparently out of the dark. It is important for others to be sensitive to this "sixth sense" many ADD people have, and to nurture it. If the environment insists on rational, linear thinking and "good" behavior from these people all the time, then they may never develop their intuitive style to the point where they can use it profitably. It can be exasperating to listen to people talk. They can sound so vague or rambling. But if you take them seriously and grope along with them, often you will find they are on the brink of startling conclusions or surprising solutions. What I am saying is that their cognitive style is qualitatively different from most people's, and what may seem impaired, with patience and encouragement may become gifted. The thing to remember is that if the diagnosis can be made, then most of the bad stuff associated with ADD can be avoided or contained. The diagnosis can be liberating, particularly for people who have been stuck with labels like "lazy," "stubborn," "willful," "disruptive," "impossible," "tyrannical," "a spaceshot," "brain damaged," "stupid," or just plain "bad." Making the diagnosis of ADD can take the case from the court of moral judgment to the clinic of neuropsychiatric treatment. " by Edward M. Hallowell, MD © 1992

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Spring Impressions: Washington, DC

Spring peepers salacious Yelling for themselves Nightly by the tracks Knitting urban and field In the confused thoughts Of city people boarding trains They sing with my voice The city dimly remembers Through stone veneer Around the basin We awaken to blossoms And rhythms To which the young still dance Snow of pale on black So crisp in the air Like an Eastern dream

Monday, April 6, 2009

Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley

I met a traveller from an antique land Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command Tell that its sculptor well those passions read Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed. And on the pedestal these words appear: `My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings: Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!' Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare, The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Silliman's Blog

A weblog focused on contemporary poetry and poetics.